Sunday, January 8, 2012

Of longings

The sky looks big enough from this chair. This chair made of Jute , with mirrors hanging by the sides , decorated with threads red in colour and in between Bougainvillea branches . A flower here and there hits my head at times . I feel a sense of deja vu. I have been to this place a long while ago , a reality that seems blur now . The hairband in my hair stares me unknowingly . As if it refutes arrival over my head , it pains while I try to fit it, so I leave it as it is. I adjust myself into the chair. The time is different. This was my favourite spot as a child. With a loose thread onto which I used to loosely tie my balloon I played here as a toddler. I loved breaking the long thread , I think as a child it gave me a vague sense of power . Vague because the destruction caused was meager.  The candy man on his cart passes by , I notice him from the balcony. He is different , may be the son of the man who used to come when I was small. 
As a child the failures that strike us are smaller in magnitude to those that we encounter now. I had my own share of failures . I could not keep a bubble gum balloon alive for more than 10 seconds , I could never run in the street and loot kites that fell from the sky . my mom never made sandwiches for me in lunch and hence not many drooled over my lunch box and I was an unnoticed tomboy till 8th grade . I could never whistle and I remember how badly as a child I wanted to eve tease boys. All failures.  The toy in my hand often fell , now the cell phone falls and I pick it up with the same  guilt with which I  picked my toy. If ever you compare a childhood day from a day you spend today , you will feel a lull and a longing. Lull because the days were not eventful enough, longing because you want that lull back. 
All I need is to break a thread and feel I can do what I want even today :) 

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